Mary Bleb Tells All

I met Jeus Christ, the son of God, behind the Salvation Army. I was standing out front handing out pamphlets for a big protest my church friends were having for the movie, 'Angels and Demons.'
We were planning to get together at the Showcase Cinemas with some gasoline, skittles, strong tea in thermoses, and a straw man Margie Joan had made from her deceased husband's coverall's, a ski mask, some old boots, and a bale of hay.
I as trying to quit smoking and part of the process, for me, included only smoking when I was alone. I didn't inflict the smell, the soot, the ash, on anybody but myself. So I went behind the Salvation Army among the piles of donations and started puffing.
Jesus was a loud snort in a cardboard refrigerator box lying on the pavement. Then he crawled out and stretched. His hair was matted to his head and he smelled like puke but I knew he was Jesus right away. He was the same Anglo-saxon blonde haired, blue eyed angel that so many artists have idealized. I would have expected something more Semetic in real life.
Jesus slowly stretched out and started sniffing at me. He asked, "You got another cigarette?"
I gave Jesus a cigarette and he took it. I lit it. He said, "Thanks hon."
I asked, "Are you...I mean..."
He laughed, then he coughed. "Yep. That's me. You recognize me from my pictures?"
I nodded.
He laughed, then stared at me, hungry and serious, "Do I look sharp to you?"
"I'm not quite sure I understand."
Jesus sighed, "You probably would have noticed. I only live as long as people give me their psychic energy. As long as they're believing in me. I'm real."
I goggled at Jesus, "Now I'm quite sure I don't understand."
Jeus laughed, "You're cute. What's your name?"
I told him.
He frowned, "Really? Oh well, Mary, do you want to come to the beach with me?"
I said, "Sure, but my cars around the block."
Jesus reached out and grabbed my wrist.
I felt a grinding in the pit of my stomach. My head spun, my vision blurred, and I heard Jesus asking, "You o.k, Mary?"
I shook my head and found I was standing on a beach. It was scorching hot and a balmy breeze blew off the ocean. So many brown people scurried around on the beach. Jesus said, "Don't worry Mary. I'll take care of you." Then he reached into the pocket of his ratty brown blazer and brought out a pint of Allen's Peppermint Schnapps. He broke the seal on the little bottle and took a big swallow. Jesus shivered and went, "Brrrrr...HrrHrrHrrrrHrr..."
He offered me the little bottle and I refused. Jesus asked, "You married Mary?"
I could feel heat on my cheeks and neck. Oh. I was blushing on front of Jesus Christ. Then I got scared, "Jesus? Can you read my mind?"
"I can do anything I want babe. Speaking of which. You want a bathing suit?"
I said, "I don't see any shops around."
Jesus asked, "What's your favorite color?"
I lied, "Black." Because of course everybody knows if you have a fattish ass, and droppy tits, you want a black one-piece at the beach.
Jesus snapped his fingers and I felt a rush of slighter cooler air on my thighs and belly. I looked down and saw that I was wearing a crimson bikini. That was startling. But much more startling was the fact that I had somehow dropped the ugliest twenty pounds on my body. The cottage cheese on my thighs, the wiggly fat curtains on my upper arms, the bulge of my pot belly, all gone.
"Oh, Jesus."
"Yeah, no problem, babe, but hey, don't bother lying, red really does look good on you."
I began to blush all over again, "You can read my mind."
And at that moment, of course, I immediately wondered what Jesus's penis looked like. Jesus snickered and started whistling.
I said, "Jeez, Jesus, this isn't going to work. You have to promise not to read my mind."
Our Lord and Savior said, "Done."
I said, "Thanks for everything. I've been going to the gym alot lately, nothing seems to work any more...Since I hit fifty...Falling apart, y'know?"